The Stories I Tell ~ from The Word Cellar

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Location: Pennsylvania, United States

I love stories. I'm the one at social functions with a dozen new anecdotes. But I worry about hogging the conversation. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll be quiet and let others do the talking. But no matter how hard I try, my stories insist on bursting out! Here I can let my stories (the classics that I tell again and again, as well as new ones that unfold along the way) run free. I'm a professional writer and editor, and sole proprietor of The Word Cellar. I write for a variety of publications and clients on everything from green buildings and nuclear reactors to entrepreneurship and the arts. If you need words written, edited, or enlivened, I can help. Contact me.

5.07.2007

At least it's curable

According to this wacky Dr. Unheimlich's Disease Registry, I suffer from the following: Jennifer's Syndrome.

Cause: drug abuse

Symptoms: bad poetry, indigestion, occasional phantom pregnancy

Cure: psychiatry

This freaked me out a bit, because it's all true. Except for the drug abuse. Which makes the symptoms even more disturbing if I don't have a mind-altering substance to blame.

What's your disease? Tell me in the comments.

Labels:

add to kirtsy | 10:09 PM

10 Comments:

Anonymous Allyson said...

Good lord! You are suffering from
Allyson's Disorder.
Cause: Egyptian curse

Symptoms: bad poetry, glowing eyes, food cravings

Cure: attempt to repeat cause


Those glowing eyes. . .they're starting to freak out the public. . .

5/08/2007 7:28 AM  
Anonymous Jess said...

Okay...you guys got off easy...

I'm afraid it's bad news. You are suffering from Jessicaitis.

Cause: overwork

Symptoms: thirst for human blood, vertigo, automatic writing, hovering

Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait

5/08/2007 10:57 AM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

Textbook example. I'm suffering from Melissa's Disorder !

Cause: genetic mutation

Symptoms: excessive tallness, extremely squeaky voice, & snoring

Cure: infect someone else

Looks like I'm already on my way to being cured . . . one of the symptoms of Jack's Disorder is a squeaky voice, too !! Boy are we a pair !

5/08/2007 6:41 PM  
Anonymous betsy said...

Oh, my. I think I need to take the last three weeks of school off. I can't be around kids like this!

Cause: unknown (scary!)

Symptoms: Guy Fawking of the leg, tree-climbing, frequent dislike of modern architecture ( I must admit I do not know what Guy Fawking is...)

Cure: Bleach

5/08/2007 8:08 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Wow, we're a sick bunch.

Ally -- Food cravings as a symptom, eh? Sounds like you.

Jess -- The thirst for human blood would explain your love for all things Buffy and Angel!

Melissa -- I don't remember much snoring when we were roommates. You must have been healthy back then!

Betsy -- At least your cure (bleach) is easily accessible! And be careful with your leg, as I suspect that Guy Fawking means that it might blow up, erupt into a bonfire, or set off fireworks on November 5th! (http://www.bonefire.org/guy/)

5/08/2007 11:54 PM  
Anonymous Evad said...

Evad's Syndrome.
Cause: influence of the Devil

Symptoms: excessive loose teeth, glowing, lust

Cure: don't do it again

5/10/2007 1:28 PM  
Anonymous David said...

This one is really true:

It's just as I feared. You are suffering from
Davidosis.
Cause: pollen
Symptoms: indigestion, grunting, occasional facial hair
Cure: bleach

5/10/2007 1:34 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

David: You have a problem with grunting, eh? Your illness gets even worse if you go by "Dave" instead. The cause is the same, but the cure* is deadly!

Dave's Disorder.
Cause: pollen

Symptoms: memory loss, chills, occasional coordination problems

Cure: take three sprigs of belladonna* and come back in the morning

*belladonna: an Old World poisonous plant (Atropa belladonna) of the nightshade family having purple or green bell-shaped flowers, glossy black berries, and root and leaves that yield atropine -- called also deadly nightshade (from Merriam-Webster)

5/10/2007 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Evad said...

Hey Jenn, looks like we both have:

McGuiggan's Disorder.
Cause: falling over

Symptoms: itching, embarrassing noises, lust, vomiting

Cure: sleep

5/10/2007 2:10 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

That's one cure I can do! I'm good at it! :)

5/11/2007 2:22 AM  

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